words.

its crazy what words can do.. what they can make you feel.
Its even more crazy what no words can do, and how that can make you feel.

Texting has become one of the main means of communication.
Its changed the way intimate relationships begin, function, and end.

I can remember numerous times when I've text my Girlfriend something pretty serious, and depended on her response...my emotions are on hold till she writes back, or they are wild till she writes back. time, time, time, patience. She gets the text, has time to feel it, and think about what she wants to say back, AND choose words. Anyway I guess we don't always think about it, but we could, we have time! In the time thinking, I'm somewhere else doing something or nothing at all... waiting on her response. I also have the choice to say something else before she writes back. Sometimes I will depending on my perception of her thoughts and how she is feeling. Which can be good or bad. The iphone is even worse for this, because it is so much faster, and its like we are chatting on the internet.

I've learned to TRY and take that time to respond. I've learned to be patient and wait on a response instead of relying on my perception, because my perception is usually much more exaggerated than the reality. When I get the response, its usually a relief :)

Words are strong. They ignite our emotions.... which are the body's physical reaction to our thoughts. Try being patient, and taking time to think things through. See the big picture, before responding from your exaggerated perception!!!

Love You... please

Love you, and me... please
Love you more, the most, and first... please
If you don't... love you, you can't love me... thanks
I love you because I love me. You're welcome.

extreme or natural?

Sometimes I have strong feelings to go against the grain.
check out of "normal" living, and into natural living.
money, job, bathing, home...tend to have a lot less value.
things like purpose, passion, bliss, trust, fearlessness, fill me and excite me. Its a feeling felt in spurts. I think its the feeling of being unattached from everything. Its trusting the flow of life, trusting abundance of food, money and love... and trusting the inner consciousness, and its ability to fulfill your dreams and intentions with out "hard work"

it comes and goes.
goes when the structure mind picks back up, and fear sets in.
fear of ultimately death, but in the short run... poverty, dark places, hunger, loneliness.

it comes and goes. Which one is extreme? Which life is the one I should be living? BOTH?
Is it a balance of the two?

baja man

apple...

you have to "try" in order to succeed?

Upon graduation...

I told myself I was patient. My mother would call it stubborn.
I didn't want to be the typical case of, acceptable human. I saw people with real jobs... I saw people "grow up"....pfff, no way I would volunteer myself for that.

So instead, I spent time getting jobs, and making money NOT using my college degree. Since I HAD to make money, I was going to make just enough to get by. I was going to get it doing jobs which didn't required education, could be perfected by doing it numerous times, and had no expectations involved. I didn't want anyone watching my every move, and telling me how to do my job. Its annoying, and degrading (depending).

It was lots of fun at first :) not even close to a 30hr week, I had tons of time bop all over the place. I traveled with a credit limit of much too much, and openly revolted against any sort of traditional ways.

I was a baby again, exploring the world, and making my own mistakes. I didn't want to take the easy route.... I didn't want to feel like this life was just handed to me. (key word "feel")

After a while, or after my credit card ran out rather... the money became an issue. I couldn't make enough to satisfy my cravings (which aren't much, but still). I wasn't able to take off and travel anywhere, because I didn't have the money, I couldn't buy a new toy (ipod, camera, bike), and I could barley afford to eat. Every penny I made was accounted for in my planned budget, which I came up with in an attempt to make it work.

That's when I had to suck it up (my pride that is), and take the plunge. I printed resumes, and researched the internet. Made my rounds for about two weeks or so, and landed a great job. One that I don't feel stressed, one that I like having expectations for, and most importantly one that I am good at!

I believe it took that year of avoiding for me to realize why jobs are important. It took that year, for me to grow up, become fearless, learn to believe in myself, and to be able to notice good opportunities when they slap me in the face.

I am excited for my future... I feel stable(ish) making more money, and I am excited to learn more about this side of living.

Its fun trying.

recent fotos by oh yes jes

People in my pictures...




Someone I know...



-----------------------------------------------



Someone I love....



ok ok, I love them both of course, I was just being dramatic to portray a photographer's personification :) hope it worked.

lauryn hill

Where did she go? Her music was SO influential and honest.
Her voice is SO moving, chilling, mood changing. Powerful.

She is one of the artists that has stuck in my head ever since the first time hearing her.
I wonder about her more... more.

I wonder.. does she have a house in the middle of no where
with her husband and kids?
Does she sing around them?
What does she do everyday?
Does she have a garden?
How does she live? What has she learned lately?
What has influenced her? What has taught her lessons?

I applaud her for speaking out, and getting out of the game of money, success, and fame.
But I....
She is very influential in my life. She still is.
Her messages are still being taught to me....
I am unlawfully demanding more from her when I haven't even learned all I can from what she has said already.

Thank you, Lauryn Hill for all your lessons, experiences, trials and tribulations. Thank you for your music and words.

here is a link to wikipedia's story on her.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lauryn_Hill

and here is a link with some statements from her husband.
http://www.blackvoices.com/blogs/2008/08/11/rohan-marley-speaking-up-and-standing-by-lauryn-hill/

I checked out her myspace page.
She joined in 2006 and her latest blogs are from 2006. her latest login was 11/28/08. The page seemed hopeful in 2006 when she wrote a blog "why do I have a page on this site"... she wanted to hear the people's voice.... our voice, and stay in touch with us.

Anyway, I hope she is doing well. From researching, it seems like she has gone through a lot.

Its so hard!

Raw/live food
Vegetarian
Vegan

so hard to do.
I have a hard enough time eating "healthy"
There is already alot in my life that I worry about

excuses excuses excuses.
I tried the raw food for approx two and half weeks.
I lost ten pounds, my skin felt the best its ever felt, I felt like I could do anything physically.

But my mind wasn't healthy.
It was poisoning.
Maybe I didn't make it long enough...
I gave in.

its so hard to eat well, with out training your mind to poison when you mess up on the diet.

mess up = negativity in my mind = poison.

i owe you

i love you.
i owe you.
I am sorry.

good morning, good evening, and good night

today: wake up ---- get up!!!

got up at 8
when my eyes opened up
no alarm!

started the morning with a banana
and some matte tea, YUM
naturally caffeinated

Decided to take the bus to work today
to save money :)
missed the first one, which made me an hour late to work.
work flew by
then I missed the first bus back home.... an hour later, I made it home :)

I love riding the bus because it makes Lexington feel bigger.
I see people I have never seen,
Everyone is going somewhere--------> different
The environment is different and its just me and myself in my head.
Its weird how riding a bus has such a different feeling than the rest of my day.

I'm gonna do it again tomorrow. $2.00
For the different feeling.

the ego shall always remain.

I used to think my ego needed to disappear...
It is so evil and selfish.
It only cares about its own survival.
"the ego" can only survive on negative energy frequency... positive energy frequency is too high for it to use. (thoughts = energy)
So my ego is always trying to create the negative thoughts and illusions in order to stay alive.
It is so sneaky sometimes.

But this morning lying in bed.. and being woken up by cramps at 4:30am, I realized my ego will always be in the background of my life. I am never going to be completely free from the strive to stay alive by my ego. It will always be scheming.

The important thing is, to know when it is striking me.. or to know when its striking someone else. If I can sense it in myself and in others, I will be able to see through the illusion created either by me, or by someone else and realize that unawareness is the culprit in action.

Of course its not that easy.. even when you know the ego is in action, its a difficult task to stop its negativity. In my experience it is easier to catch ego's games on my own; and it is also easier to notice the ego in other people. But the hardest (in my experience) is when you are your ego during interaction with other people (friends, spouse, family, boss...etc)

Sometimes my ego....
tells me I'm fat
tells me I'm not good enough
tells me my personfriend wants to leave me
tells me I am superior to other people
tells me I might die if I don't do what society thinks I should do
sometimes it even tells me that my pets are controlling me

jealousy, grudges, revenge, superiority, inferiority, fear, and illusions are all my ego...
they are all created so my ego can eat.
but its inevitable, and all I can do is be aware of it.

the word "bad" is poison its self.

I don't think anything is bad.
If you are a conscious person... or conscious while doing it
*conscious = aware, awakened, right mindset, good intentions
then its not bad. HAH.

we are all in charge of one person in this life..... and that's YOURSELF. hah, isn't that exciting news
(well unless you have kids, even then you are there to guide them in their own journey)

Why would I want to spend life worrying about what I'm doing wrong or what other people think I'm doing wrong....

I love YOU for you.

the only time i can love you is right NOW

now is the only time I can love you.
I can't travel through time and love you yesterday or tomorrow.
I can love you right now.

I haven't lost you today,
So I can't worry about loosing you tomorrow.
you can only love ME right now.

Past and future are the times that dwell in my stressing, fearful mind,
But in reality right now is all we have :)

I love you right NOW!
The rest will be

modest mouse - everything rides on gravity

Oh gotta see gotta know right now.
Whats that riding on your everything?

It isnt anything at all.

Oh gotta see gotta know right now.
Whats that writing on your shelf in the bathrooms and
The bad motels
No one really cared for it at all
Not the gravity plan.
Early early in the morning it pulls all on down my sore feet
I wanna go back to sleep.
In the motions and the things that you say.
It all will fall, fall right into place
As fruit drops, flesh it sags
Everything will fall/right into place
When we die some sink and some lay
But at least I dont see you float away
And all the spilt milk sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place.

These lyrics say a lot,
It seems so hard not knowing reasons for things you are doing or experiencing in your life,
But knowing that everything will fall into place -- or everything is happening for a reasons eases my mind a bit.
As bad or as good as your life, and/or your experiences can be, they are always subject to change... and that change is usually there to teach us something, or to further us in our progression toward fulfilling our purposes :)