Cold Winter (not temperature)

TwentyTwelve!!! This winter isn't the coldest winter, but I've stayed indoors the most in two winters. Lazy!!!!! The second winter in an un-heated attic. I feel so lazy that I feel uninteresting. So typical and predictable. What would you say to yourself if you could sit down as a somebody else with the yourself and conversate?

words.

its crazy what words can do.. what they can make you feel.
Its even more crazy what no words can do, and how that can make you feel.

Texting has become one of the main means of communication.
Its changed the way intimate relationships begin, function, and end.

I can remember numerous times when I've text my Girlfriend something pretty serious, and depended on her response...my emotions are on hold till she writes back, or they are wild till she writes back. time, time, time, patience. She gets the text, has time to feel it, and think about what she wants to say back, AND choose words. Anyway I guess we don't always think about it, but we could, we have time! In the time thinking, I'm somewhere else doing something or nothing at all... waiting on her response. I also have the choice to say something else before she writes back. Sometimes I will depending on my perception of her thoughts and how she is feeling. Which can be good or bad. The iphone is even worse for this, because it is so much faster, and its like we are chatting on the internet.

I've learned to TRY and take that time to respond. I've learned to be patient and wait on a response instead of relying on my perception, because my perception is usually much more exaggerated than the reality. When I get the response, its usually a relief :)

Words are strong. They ignite our emotions.... which are the body's physical reaction to our thoughts. Try being patient, and taking time to think things through. See the big picture, before responding from your exaggerated perception!!!

Love You... please

Love you, and me... please
Love you more, the most, and first... please
If you don't... love you, you can't love me... thanks
I love you because I love me. You're welcome.

extreme or natural?

Sometimes I have strong feelings to go against the grain.
check out of "normal" living, and into natural living.
money, job, bathing, home...tend to have a lot less value.
things like purpose, passion, bliss, trust, fearlessness, fill me and excite me. Its a feeling felt in spurts. I think its the feeling of being unattached from everything. Its trusting the flow of life, trusting abundance of food, money and love... and trusting the inner consciousness, and its ability to fulfill your dreams and intentions with out "hard work"

it comes and goes.
goes when the structure mind picks back up, and fear sets in.
fear of ultimately death, but in the short run... poverty, dark places, hunger, loneliness.

it comes and goes. Which one is extreme? Which life is the one I should be living? BOTH?
Is it a balance of the two?

baja man

apple...

you have to "try" in order to succeed?

Upon graduation...

I told myself I was patient. My mother would call it stubborn.
I didn't want to be the typical case of, acceptable human. I saw people with real jobs... I saw people "grow up"....pfff, no way I would volunteer myself for that.

So instead, I spent time getting jobs, and making money NOT using my college degree. Since I HAD to make money, I was going to make just enough to get by. I was going to get it doing jobs which didn't required education, could be perfected by doing it numerous times, and had no expectations involved. I didn't want anyone watching my every move, and telling me how to do my job. Its annoying, and degrading (depending).

It was lots of fun at first :) not even close to a 30hr week, I had tons of time bop all over the place. I traveled with a credit limit of much too much, and openly revolted against any sort of traditional ways.

I was a baby again, exploring the world, and making my own mistakes. I didn't want to take the easy route.... I didn't want to feel like this life was just handed to me. (key word "feel")

After a while, or after my credit card ran out rather... the money became an issue. I couldn't make enough to satisfy my cravings (which aren't much, but still). I wasn't able to take off and travel anywhere, because I didn't have the money, I couldn't buy a new toy (ipod, camera, bike), and I could barley afford to eat. Every penny I made was accounted for in my planned budget, which I came up with in an attempt to make it work.

That's when I had to suck it up (my pride that is), and take the plunge. I printed resumes, and researched the internet. Made my rounds for about two weeks or so, and landed a great job. One that I don't feel stressed, one that I like having expectations for, and most importantly one that I am good at!

I believe it took that year of avoiding for me to realize why jobs are important. It took that year, for me to grow up, become fearless, learn to believe in myself, and to be able to notice good opportunities when they slap me in the face.

I am excited for my future... I feel stable(ish) making more money, and I am excited to learn more about this side of living.

Its fun trying.